Recipe: WTF Pie

The reason for this pie's name is that apples & rhubarb go into it, but it ends up tasting exactly like tart-cherry pie. You won't taste apple or rhubarb.

If you're not familiar with rhubarb, it looks like shockingly red celery...often super-sized. In the market, you'll find it without leaves. This is b/c rhubarb leaves are highly toxic. It has the same texture as celery, only with a bit more juice, but it's flavor is completely different--very tart, close to a lemon's sourness. I find it akin to cranberries, which are also almost inedible in their natural form b/c they're so sour...but once sweetened, especially cooked, this remarkable flavor emerges.

I thought the flavors of apples & rhubarb would go together very well...I had no idea they would blend to create an entirely different fruit---it blew my mind.

You should make the crust first, then while it's chilling, make the filling. Here's my crust recipe.

INGREDIENTS (9-inch pie)

6 Granny Smith apples
2-1/2 large stalks of rhubarb (mine were 1-inch thick & a foot long, use more if your stalks are smaller)
3 cups sugar
4 TBL butter
1/2 cup flour

DIRECTIONS

1. Peel & cut apples into medium cubes. Dice rhubarb into small cubes (I cut them in half the short way, then split them lengthwise, then each half lengthwise again so I'm chopping the long quarters).



2. Toss with 1 cup sugar. Heat butter over medium & pour in fruit mixture. Cook slowly, stirring occasionally. You want the apples to remain firm, about half-cooked when you remove from heat. Strain.


3. In a large bowl, mix 1-1/2 cup sugar & flour. Toss with strained fruit. Let sit 15 minutes.


4. The juices will settle, strain once more. Mix in remaining 1/2 cup sugar. This will create a tart pie offset by a sweet crust and/or ice-cream...if you'd like it a bit sweeter, you can increase the last sugar addition to 3/4 cup.


5. Pour filling into the chilled pie-crust & gently press into empty spaces. Cover with topcrust & make slits; this pie definitely needs venting & should be baked on a cookie sheet in case the juices bubble over.


6. Bake 450F for 15 minutes, then 350F for 45-50 minutes. Cool at least 30 minutes before slicing.

If you need instructions/tips for assembling the pie & baking, check my 101 How-To.

Recipe: You're Such a Flake Pie Crust

This crust made me do a little jiggedy dance around the kitchen today, it's that good. Pastry crust recipes don't have a lot of ingredients, so they seem pretty straightforward. Not true, my friends...I think it would be easier to hot-glue Tom Cruise to a couch than it is to tweak pastry recipes.

Fortunately I'm a bit of a chemistry nerd. Prepare to be blinded with my science.

You'll need a food processor or a blender, otherwise this will be about as difficult as making your own cheese.

This makes 2 deep-dish crusts. I use this recipe even if I'm not going deep-dish, in case I want to pile the filling sky-high or end up rolling it out lopsided...any extra dough can be used to make mini-quiches or discarded.

*The dough needs to be chilled 1 hr (or frozen 20 minutes in a pinch) prior to using.

INGREDIENTS:

3-3/4 cups all-purpose flour
1-1/2 tsp salt
3 TBL sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) unsalted butter, chilled & cut into small pieces
1/2 cup Crisco (solid vegetable oil)
1 tsp apple cider vinegar
3/4 cup ice water

DIRECTIONS:

1. Throughout this process, you want the butter/grease to remain solid so keep your utensils/bowls as cold as possible & try to avoid touching the dough with your hands.


2. Mix flour, salt, sugar. Place in processor & add butter pieces; process until mixture resembles coarse meal (like breadcrumbs), about 10 seconds. If your processor/blender is small, mix everything in a large bowl first & process it in smaller batches.


3. Place mixture in a large bowl. Put vinegar in a small cup & using a spoon, sprinkle about 9 drops over the mixture. Mix in using a large spoon (instead of stirring, all mixing should be done in solid cutting motions, using the spoon-edge to cut into the dough-balls that form)


4. Add the ice water one large spoonful at a time, sprinkling it around, then cutting into the mixture for a while to mix thoroughly. Very important to continue doing this in small stages b/c every time you make a crust, a slightly different amount of water is needed due to variables in the ingredients.


5. Mix just until the dough holds together without crumbling when you pinch it with your fingers.


6. Quickly press mixture into a ball, divide in half with one half a bit larger than the other. Place each ball in plastic wrap, then smush down once.


7. Refrigerate 1 hour. If you're pressed for time, freeze 20 minutes.

If you've never made a pie before, check out my how-to Pie-Crust 101.

Pie Crust 101

How-to for novice pie-bakers...

ROLLING OUT CRUSTS

1. Using a silicone mat (e.g. Silpat) will make this soooo much easier, but if you don't have one, flour your surface evenly. Marble/granite are better than cutting boards...if you have to use a board, cover with wax paper or plastic wrap.


2. Rotate either the surface or your rolling pin with every stroke so the dough presses out evenly. If it sticks to your pin, put a little flour in your palm & rub over the pin, don't flour the dough.


3. If cracks/tears appear, press them together or tear a piece of dough from the edge & lay over the crack, then roll. The edges of your dough will not be perfectly even, you'll be trimming it later.

SIZING

Have your pie tin handy & when you think the dough is close to that size, simply turn your pie tin upside down on the dough to test for size. You want the smaller of your dough pieces to measure about 1 inch larger than the pie tin. The larger dough piece should be 2 inches bigger than the tin (2-1/2 inches for a deep-dish).

PLACING, FINISHING

1. Gently fold the larger crust in half loosely, then in half again so it looks like a quarter-slice. Lift it into your greased pie tin with the point in the center of the tin. Carefully unfold, then gently press into the tin.


2. After filling the pie, repeat the process to place the top crust. Fold the overhang of the bottom crust over to the top. Crimp the edges to seal them together. You can do this by pinching the edge between your thumb and forefinger while pressing down into the dough gently, or using a fork to press down.


3. Most pies need to be vented. You can cut several slits in the top with a sharp knife, or before you place the top crust, use a very small cookie-cutter to cut one or two shapes.

BAKING

1. For most pies, two heat levels will be needed...the first will be at high heat (450F) for about 15 minutes to brown the crust. For a really golden crust, whisk together 1 egg yolk with 2 TBL water, & brush this glaze over the top crust prior to baking. The second cooking stage will be at 350F for longer, usually 45-50 minutes for raw-fruit pies like apple.


2. You need to protect the delicate crust edge from burning. You can buy a tin edge-ring that you just pop onto the pie, or you can fold tinfoil around the edge prior to baking.


3. For fruit pies, place your pie tin on a cookie sheet or at least some foil during baking just in case some juices bubble out...otherwise the drips will carmelize in your oven into something Superman's laserbeam eyes couldn't get off.

Recipe: Bam-Bam Beans

I made baked beans yesterday, knowing they taste better on the 2nd & 3rd days. It's still raining here but I'm hoping it'll clear in time for a Memorial Day BBQ.

I remember reading somewhere that pioneer women baked their beans all day then buried the bean-pot for several days. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. If I was born in the 1800's I would've died the minute I learned my underwear went to my shins.

This makes a big pot of beans. I know, I'm so technical. The beans need to be soaked overnight & will taste best if cooked slowly for several hours.

INGREDIENTS:
1/2 pound white beans (mine came in 1 lb. bags)
2/3 pound pinto beans (this was a bigger bag & I used half)
4 slices thick-cut bacon (hickory- or maple-smoked are great)
2 smoked ham hocks (bone-in, with skin)
1 cup brown sugar (I used dark, light is okay)
2/3 cup molasses (look in the baking aisle)
2 cloves garlic
1/2 large brown onion or 1 medium
1 Tbl fresh thyme (or oregano, dried is fine)
1 tsp chili powder (this won't make it spicy, add more if you want a kick)
1 TbL each: salt, pepper
olive oil
water

Use a large pot; cast-iron is best but any will do

DIRECTIONS:
1. Cover beans with water (about 2 inches excess) & soak overnight.
2. Next day: coat bottom of pot with oil & heat over medium. Finely dice onion, add to oil & stir periodically, you want to cook slowly until they're very soft, no browning. Add more oil if necessary.
3. While onions are cooking, slice bacon into thin strips the short way, add to onions & continue cooking. Mince garlic, rinse & strain beans.
4. Add brown sugar, thyme, chili powder, salt, pepper; stir thoroughly. It should be a little saucy, if not, add oil until it is. Stir in 1 cup water, molasses & garlic.
5. Add beans, then add water until 1/2 inch above beans, stir. Add ham hocks, work them below the water line with a spoon. Bring to a simmer, then reduce heat to very low...you want the mixture to remain just short of bubbling.
6. Cover & cook at least until beans are tender, about 2-1/2 hrs. If you have more time, cook an additional hour for maximum flavor. Part way through cooking, I always dip a spoon in the broth & adjust salt/sweetness if necessary.

Your house will smell heavenly until people eat the beans. I'm just not sure what to do about that.

Recipe: Jo Dough

This dough is freakin' magical. I stole it from fairies & may have let a leprechaun touch me inappropriately. Actually I developed it in my laboratory test-kitchen over several months.

Baking used to intimidate me, so I searched around for a bunch of bread recipes & then I baked like Betty Crackhead until I got a feel for the chemistry. I wanted to create a dough that would make everything from pizza to breadsticks to cinnamon rolls...and still be stable enough to make that perfect loaf.

No, you can't whip this up a half-hour before dinner. I recommend making it on a lazy day until you get the hang of the timing (you can do other things while the dough is rising). I usually make it into several things, like dinner rolls & a pizza crust, bake it all at once & freeze what I'm not going to use right away...reheated, it'll still taste homemade & amazing.

This dough makes: loaves, rolls, breadsticks, artisan flats, pizza crust, soft pretzels & cinnamon rolls. You can even press it flat & fry it in a pan for something that ends up like a cross between a pita & pizza, really great for folded sandwiches.

INGREDIENTS:

1 pkg active dry yeast
1-1/2 cups very warm water
2 tsp baking powder
1/3 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 Tbl butter
1/3 cup milk
3 Tbl olive oil (for cinnamon rolls, I use vegetable oil)
flour

DIRECTIONS:

1. In large mixing bowl, add yeast to warm water (this is called 'priming'). After the yeast is mostly dissolved, you can stir it to help it completely disappear. While you're waiting, heat milk & butter together just until the butter is melted.
2. Add milk/butter to primed yeast mixture. Add baking powder, sugar, salt, oil; stir until granules are dissolved.
3. Add 1 cup flour, stir until wet. I use a large metal spoon that won't bend. Continue adding flour 1/3 cup at a time, stirring each addition. Keep going until a workable dough forms--something you can hold in your hands.
4. Turn out dough onto a floured surface. Dust flour on the top of the mound, knead it out until it gets tacky, dust & knead again...continue this process until the dough is really smooth, elastic & not at all tacky. The more you give to this step, the better your bread will be.
5. Very lightly grease a large bowl with oil, place in the dough, cover with a cloth & let rise in a draft-free area for 1 hour.
6. Punch down dough, turn out onto a floured surface & knead a few minutes. The dough is ready to use now but if you're making a loaf, you can get an extra fluffy result by returning it to the bowl to rise another 30 min. & repeating the kneading process. I only do this second-rise occasionally, & only for a loaf.

Bake 350F for loaf, 375F for everything else (you can go up to 400F if you like a darker crust). Cooking times vary but here are average guidelines in minutes: rolls (12), pizza (12-18), artisan (20), loaf (40).

If you let the baked bread sit out for a week, you can use it for self-defense/anger-management...I personally prefer to whack my hub with a baguette since he's become adept at dodging rolls.

Clean Underpants

This intro is for those who stumbled here randomly rather than linking from my primary blog, Whatever. Please visit me there, since this is more like those extra underpants you keep at the bottom of your drawer for laundry emergencies.

Blogger currently doesn't offer secondary pages & I value my blog-buddies too much to post whole recipes or specialized whatever amidst my usual blather...plus clutter makes me twitch. So I'm putting the extra stuff here & linking to it.

See you on the flipside... :)